People are only selfish when they feel like they need to grab hold of whatever they feel like they need. They're not selfish because they don't think about others at all, its just that they feel what they need is more important. As simple as that may sound, some of us just take the first assumption sometimes. Its what you want vs what others want. Which is more important?

I admit, I always want the best for myself because I just can't stand not getting what's best. Some degree of perfectionism? Maybe. But today, I realised there isn't a need to own everything great just to feel happy. Being "un-selfish" doesn't stem from thinking about others' needs, you've gotta start it off with your own mindset.

So I bought two pretty dream catchers today. I could've kept both for myself to match different clothes, but I decided to give one away (if my friend likes it). Not because I felt "the joy of giving" on its own like that, but because I realised I've got nothing to lose even if I give it away, and I'd feel happy if my friend is. Fundamentally its still like "they joy of giving", but the step before that is to first be able to understand yourself or else its pointless to force that "joy" out. & be genuine about it at the same time.


Lets apply this to my own life. I guess what my friend told me in the past was right, I shouldn't keep thinking of others and what they want and what they think, but what I think. It isn't being insensitive (though I always think it is), people HAVE to know themselves to know what to do to fit themselves into the situation. Not CHANGING yourself to fit the situation, but to think of ways to fit your CURRENT self into the situation. I'm glad you're mature like that.

I shared some of my worries with my friend today, not so much in a negative view (I think), but more of not knowing WHAT to do. I don't think anybody would know what to do, especially when they're in my shoes -- I want to think from all sides. Till now, I'm still uncertain but I'll follow my gut feeling first.

It feels nice enough to have friends to talk to and those who support me, anyway. I'm glad I've got a "mom" and a "dad" who keep reminding me to study in school, I feel I shouldn't disappoint myself and them. I don't have a best friend, but I know there are people who are willing to be there for me. I know what I want, I have to do well for my A's. Perhaps abit too late to do WELL, but decent grades.

In the end, I'm still a person who learns from examples. Hearing what others feel about the situation makes me much better. I'm a person who needs to know what is happening around me to know how to react. You may say that's not having an opinion, but is that wrong?

I need role models, I need to see people who are in the same boat as me, I need.. do I need a mirror? Should I care about who takes me as a true friend and who doesn't?



Today was a great day -- I studied with N at subway and the environment was very conducive. Didn't cover many chapters but I do understand what I've learnt and I'm prepared for another consultation I think. We had hot chocolate after the hours of brain-draining studying and that's when I started to think alot. There's a million things I want to talk about, but there isn't much time.

Its nice to feel that way, having thoughts in your mind that drive you on, you know. I feel more at ease now, I just hope I wasn't rambling on about myself too much. Thanks for listening :]